much like AA

i talk alot. and i'm not always sure if this is a good thing. i've got this friend...with whom i talk for at least an hour each day, usually on the phone. but the conversation is all me, and contrary to popular belief, this makes me very uncomfortable. i try to stop and ask questions, but sometimes when i do, it's still just silence. and so then i talk some more. and then there's more silence. so then i talk some more, etc. is this wrong? i can't believe i'm going to post this, but i am.
hi. i'm joy.
(hi joy)
and i can't stop talking.

my sisters and i have discussed our shared paranoia of people suddenly growing bored with us. i think this applies here. no response means that the listener has hit the joy quota, the "if i were to never speak to joy again, it's ok, because i can't handle anymore of her words" syndrome -- especially as everything i discuss nowadays is nonsense. as in, if it's not about exercise balls, cauliflower, or what color i should dye my hair, apparently it's not joy-worthy.
and so, i tend to wonder, if in the third hour of a conversation i am still expounding on topics such as how the sibs and i used to play make-believe, is the other person wondering, " why doesn't she just stop?"
logically, yes. and i keep hoping it's no.
because in the end, this is all i know. all i know in life can be summed up in moments such as... what it feels like to roll down a hill at night... and when i'm not not being careful, this is what tends to come out of me.

my friend ili used to say that my babbling was different, that somehow i was not that annoying girl who hadn't really been invited to the party but who wouldn't let anyone else talk because the story about her pet hamster was just so interesting. instead, i was some sort of subplanted joy-guru. and while it's weird to have one pontificating in your kitchen, in the end, it's still a guru perched on your dining table and how cool is that?
logically, impossible. but i keep hoping it's so.

i know that it's 1am on a school night and that this wreaks greatly of sentimentality. i also know that those of us who worry about talking too much should most likely just, you know, learn how to listen. i do work on it. i promise. i think, i just hope that...i just hope what all of us hope -- that at the end of the day, we discover that we are not full of crap.