when you know it's your fault

i have a friend i call wad. as a friend, she's the real deal. she's one of those friends who comes over to help you take care of your crap and then listens to it as well. and then, when you screw up your face and say, "i love you, dude" or something even cheesier, she says it back. what's more, you believe her, and you don't believe she's doing you a favor either.
i need those people.

waddie told me today that i am too hard on myself, because i was bemoaning my ineffectiveness as a teacher. but listen, i don't think i'm too hard on myself. i think that i know exactly what i need to do, and that i either can't or don't do it. either way, it seems inexcusable.
in the background, i have the tv on, so i won't feel so alone. 7th heaven is on the wb. i usually hate 7th heaven. but today, it has just made me cry. because what's on today? today, it's about the music teacher, who's filling in for detention, and he's playing gershwin, and he asks some kid about the composer, and she knew the answer. and that answer turned into a week-long socratic-style lecture/discussion about the place of music in society and how literature, music, and history intersect, a discussion in which students were so engaged that they went to detention on purpose, just so that they could listen to this man talk.
it's fake, this world. people think that this is what teaching is. it's not; it's so not. this is what's easy about teaching. being inspiring is easy. creating the desire to do something with no immediate rewards is hard. teaching someone to read or to take a test or to write complete sentences; this is hard.
i am not too hard on myself. my job is hard; i have to be hard on myself.

but i do want to know how to forgive myself. how does that work?