everytime i read about or hear someone else say that they are taking a class that is, "a complete waste of time," i start to breathe faster, because some part of me is afraid that my students are thinking the same thing of me, of my class. it's almost more than i can bear, to know, to even suspect that i'm teaching and no one is learning. i'm not sure what this lack of learning represents to me...is it the knowledge that if they don't learn in my class, then i'm exacerbating a problem i committed two years of my life to alleviating? (that was a really long sentence.) is it because it means that i'm suffering for nothing? is it because my belief in the power of books borders on the insane, and that i'm betraying the lords of literacy by my very existence in the classroom?! i mean, guys...all hyperbole aside now...why do i care so much? it's killing me.
especially, because i'm not actually doing all that much about it.
and perhaps that's it. most of all, i feel myself a hypocrite.
meaning, yes, i'm doing the best i can ... but i'm doing the best i can, distracted. i've become distracted with grad school research (which for me, is all-absorbing), a boy (which ended, but in a way that leaves me even more distracted), and this one inconvenience known as exhaustion.
and in my job, you can't afford to be distracted.
but i am. i even have a hierarchy of "needs." (thank you maslow.) i come home from school, thinking about school, but then i get into my room, and am immediately, suddenly, overwhelmed with this wave of exhaustion, so i sit down for a few hours, because i can't seem to get up, but i don't allow myself to sleep for fear that i won't wake up again (note last night) and then i pick myself up and begin doing "30 minutes of grad school 'stuff,'" which "stuff" becomes 3-4 hours of "stuff," and then it's about 11:30ishpm, because i get home at around 5:30ishpm, and i haven't started anything for school. so, i throw something together in the next 2 hours, go to sleep around 1am, possibly 2am if i'm writing a test, and then get up about 4 hours later. repeat, repeat. it's pointless, you know? stop the cycle already.
but, i haven't been able to stop, not yet.
obviously, according to the above-outlined hierarchy, school is at the bottom of the priority list. it's less important than sitting around for 3 hours, doing grad school research for 3 or 4 hours, less important, basically, than trying, desperately, to feel good.
trying to feel good...because that's really what all this is. i try to avoid school, for at least a few hours, because i never feel good about school. and while grad school is NOT (believe me, i've thought this through) running away to the land of "i feel good," it IS the next thing on the agenda. so, it's easier to focus on that than the task at hand. the teaching at hand. the students in the classroom. i'm wasting my time, because i'm wasting their time.
which is why, right now, i can't stand me.
it's not a job in which you can afford to be distracted. and i am. one could say that this simply points to that fallacy of logic with which the world regards teachers: that they are not human, and that i am simply being human, albeit a slightly sensitive one who needs a little more sleep or just a little more unstructured time than her more organized teacher counterparts. yes, you could say that, and i might even believe you. and then i could stand on my soapbox and proclaim my right as a person to be tired and depressed, and my right to spend time planning for MY OWN future instead of always putting 100 children, who don't even bother to come to class let alone do my "pointless" homework, first.
but then, guys. but then, what do i do about these kids? who will put them first if i don't?
