before you leap

I wrote a scathing (and by scathing, I mean a merciless personal attack) evaluation of my University of St Thomas professor. While I was writing it, it was like a high.
But now I feel like a bad Meg Ryan movie. Specifically, I feel like Meg Ryan in "You Got Mail" -- that scene where she tells off Tom Hanks in the most biting way possible, and she gets to revel in it for exactly 2 minutes. And then, she realizes that while everything she said was true, it was also cruel.
As was everything I said. So, tomorrow, I'm calling the university and asking, Please. May I rewrite my evaluation? Please, don't let her read my evaluation. I do not withdraw my assessment of her, but I'd like to withdraw a small measure of the venom.

pearls of poo

Dear Alexa,
I think this advice is most excellent and will be sure to report any progress.
Much love,
Joy

Alexa Tang (currently in Beijing, China) wrote:
i'll just have you know that i made some excellent poo this morning. i think one of the best feelings in the world is when you make great poo, and a lot of it, and then lie back in bed for a wihle to enjoy your empty bowels. right now, i'm pretty sure joy is jealous. and this is why i wanted to share with her some pearls of wisdom on pooing.
pearl #1: watermelon is your friend. it's sweet, it's watery, it's fibery, and all of this makes it very poo friendly. we like this watermelon pooing friend.
pearl #2: too much starch is bad. i don't care how much "fiber" crap you're eating joy, it's just going to stop you up. you need vegetables. or watermelon. both is good too.
pearl #3: in the morning, when you feel that there is poo in your system, lie on your left side. i swear you will feel things start to churn for the better.
pearl #4: after lying on your left side for a while, drink some warm water. my theory is that this softens your poo.
pearl #5: if you are sitting on the toilet, and you still cannot make poo, massage your tummy! and remember what mommy told you the first time you went to china: "in with the nose, out with the butthole." remember, poo is already dead. you must win the fight. i hope that we all have healthier bowel movements from now on. my friend smitha tells me that her dad says that a person's happiness can be measured by if they've slept well, eaten well, and pooped well. let's be happy.
love,
alexa

on being almost 24

i'm almost 24, and i've believed for a long time now that i would wake up one day and find myself to be an adult. but, i don't believe that anymore, nor do i care. i believe, instead, that no matter how much we might or might not develop in the process of living, that some small part of us will remain in high school. i'm becoming certain that there is some corner of our selves which holds the person who awoke within us at 16--that adolescent hungry for experience, that part child part grown-up riddled with angst, wonder, and hurt.
i mean, really. watch reality tv.
maybe as we get older, we're not as concerned with image. maybe, we get more comfortable in our own skins, so to speak. and yet (have you noticed?) as soon as we, people (we the people, hah), band together -- at work, in graduate school, at a conference -- there are still those instantaneous categories: the smart one, the popular one, the funny one, the pretty one. it's high school, people. personally, i think we just get better at hiding our classifications, either that or we get better at negotiating our roles and finding space within them. I'd like to believe the latter.

so this is my real question. if we are so much better at accepting ourselves, why are we so much worse at managing our relationships? granted, children are cruel. they might not associate with you if you don't have the right haircut, remember when? but they do talk. they're interested in you and in each other. they want to know the you inside your skin, whereas most adults, simply, no longer care. they don't notice things about each other. they don't ask uncomfortable questions, because it's assumed that as you're now an adult, you're in control of your life. to seem to think otherwise might be rude, and besides, who has the time?
how many non-profits do we have for youth in comparison to the number we have for other adults, our peers? our judgement is supposed to increase naturally we grow older, but does it really? always? how old were you when you really started screwing up, after all? i think it's interesting that we create structures to help ensure the success of our rising generations, but that once each generation rises, they find themselves alone.
in my most esteemed high school teacher opinion, i think we would be well-served to remember some of our basics...things like asking people about their day, in more than the "how are you?" sense, things like asking someone WHY she is acting the way she's acting instead of automatically assuming the worst about that person, enjoying who a person is as much as what a person is...didn't we learn this at some point in high school? didn't we learn that the whole jocks vs. geeks vs. theatre freaks was all a hoax? it was supposed to be some deep and life-changing revelation that happened in the life of every high school kid, was something cosmically designed to keep us from widening the chasms that have always separated person from person.
yet here we are. or here i am, mumbling about what i think is where we are. i'm not saying to hold hands and sing kum ba yah. and i'm not saying that, you know, we shouldn't do the whole networking thing or that we should eschew all social niceties and i'm not saying that we should organize company camp-outs every few weeks (how banal). i'm just saying that we should remember, or someone should; i should. a birthday should mean that i've learned more than i've forgotten.

For the Kids on the Inside

In the face of insomnia, I have resorted to online personality/relationship tests. If you have known my mother, you will know why this is HILARIOUS:

In general, human beings are defined by their needs and wants. In a relationship, you may want:
A predictable environment with few surprises that are not "planned."
Recognition of skills and ability.
Activities involving contact with many people.
A friendly, favorable social environment.
Popularity.
Sound relationships which form naturally, and are not contriving or scheming.
Security for now, and in the future.
An audience to perform to and entertain.
A support system to help you get things done.
Equal relations with others.
Peace and harmony.
An environment free from conflict or hostility.

Guys, I hope you're laughing, because this, this is funny stuff.

briefly

I am recently obsessed with salsa.
the dance, not the dip.

i think a contradiction

here's something i suspect.
in the united states, "expressing yourself" is a popular solution to nearly every problem. but, if the concern being expressed is "girly," then it is not legitimate. if a woman does indeed venture to explore an emotion on the "girly" side of things, it is then the other person's job to console her by saying "yes, i understand," over and over again, which would be fine, except that it is actually a form of pacification. you don't need to listen, you see; just keep reassuring her until she stops talking. then your job is done and you can forget the concern ever existed. if you prefer a more agressive method of interaction, you are even allowed to inform a woman that she is just "being a girl," and this information should be reason enough for her to "calm down" and resolve the situation on her own.
in this i see a twofold problem. 1) that an invalid emotion is a girl's emotion, and moreover 2) that not only is this kind of reinforcement telling women not to express certain emotions, it sends the signal that one shouldn't have such emotions at all, that they are a sign of weakness.
i suspect men believe this to be true. but even worse, i think many women believe this as well.